Winning The Drug War

Y'know, someone should start campigning on pot. Seriously, single-issue campaign, "Elect us and we'll let you buy a spliff in your local liquor store". Take the voter registration drive around college dorms, Walmart parking lots, clocking off time at Burger King... I swear, man, every stoner and slacker in the country would vote for you, they'd be lining up to register as voters. That guy buying Zig-Zags and a turbo dog from a gas station at three in the morning? Yeah, you know he'd vote for it.

I figure that we can probably count on virtually all of the 18.5 (or thereabouts) million regular stoners right there. Then you just add a second tier with standard liberal policies and presto, you've got the votes.

Now, yeah, I know politicians are terrified of being called "soft on drugs" but pot isn't a drug anyway. It grows on bushes, you dry it, chop it up and smoke it, cook it or make tea from it. Make tea from it? That's not a drug, that's a fucking condiment. And think of the marketing. OK, the drug companies would hate it ("No, Mrs. Cratchett, don't use the cheap, easy-to-grow natural substance. Use our highly addictive expensive pill that doesn't even work as well") but can't you just see the food industry getting into it. Staag Chilli, now with a new hash-flavoured variety. Would you like your hemp juice with or without pulp? McDonalds could add it to their burgers, be more fun than that couple slices of gherkin they put in everything and since everyone would eat them and start craving munchies, more sales! Now, granted, you might have a problem with staff eating all the product. I gather McDonalds gives it's staff free meals (which is good 'cos on their wages, you can't afford to eat anyplace else) but the poor bastards are so overworked and underpaid, they never get my order right anyway and at least they'd smile if they were high.

Those problems in schools? We got all this fear about juvenile crime, start feeding your kids hash cakes. Drunk young men smash each other with glasses; stoned young men eat Mars Bars, watch re-runs and giggle. I'm not seeing much threat to society there. And they're no problem if they do turn violent. Ever see a stoned guy try and have a fist fight? It's like watching a Weeble, you can't even remember where you left your fists, never mind hit somebody. Oil? Who needs fucking oil? You're in no fit state to drive anyway, just sit your ass down and watch Scooby-Doo. No more health-care problem either, cannabis is the new wonder drug. It's been shown to help treat conditions as serious as Multiple Sclerosis and as minor as insomnia, so why doesn't the pharmaceutical industry lobby for it's legalisation? Because they can't patent it. Cannabis is a weed and an especially virulent one at that, it'll grow pretty much anywhere and it's quite hard to stop it growing once it's started. It'll grow in your windowbox, your back garden or behind your trailer and it's real easy to prepare too. You just stretch it out under a heatlamp for a while. A proven treatment that anyone can make? That's far too simple, where's the profit in that? And war? Forget war. If the world got stoned, there would never be another war. There'd just be this gigantic smoke-up, Rizla, Zig-Zag and Zippo would become the new cornerstones of the global economy. You see Bush and Ahmedinajad rattling their sabres at each other. Seriously, just roll those guys a joint and play some Pink Floyd (Music would improve too: My parents got the Stones, the Doors, the Beatles and Pink Floyd. We got Michael Jackson followed by Britney Spears. We wuz gypped). By the time they've finished the bowl, Ahmedinajad's offering to share the oil and Georgie's wondering why he spent so much money on coke.

That's the solution: Not less pot, more pot. Of course, having seen my parent's teenage photos, fashion might be a problem.